A Melbourne Commerce Academic’s Lot

Pick a job you’d like to have

Let your thoughts roam free

You all know you’d choose to work

In our faculty

Not any commerce faculty, mind you

I’m sure that you’ve all seen

In other Universities you must

Perform and grovel for the Dean

Academics looking in

Think it must be grand

A place with lots of admin staff

They don’t really understand

The admin staff are here to help

We’ve heard that one before

There’s two of them for each of us

Perhaps it should be four

And all the money raised from fees

The wages must be good, for sure

But allocations off the top

Keep us workers poor

The students pay, the Uni takes

The Dean a little bit more

The Heads complain, but do the same

We workers grumble more

But surely teaching must be fun

The students are real smart

For each of us there’s thirty of them

Enough to break your heart

Some student have paid lots of dough

But even when its free

They want a lot (notes, solutions, overheads, practice exams, consultation time, immediate email and phone responses, special consideration)

I wish they’d stop bothering me

They are, of course, a special breed

As forms for “specials” tell

Grandmothers thrice, died one each year

They must have gone through hell

But hell is something we all know

Its coming into view

Its time to go and see your Head

For performance review

What have you done this year, he’ll ask

(And all the Heads are he’s)

How many grants, how many pubs?

Pubs? - I’ve been to lots says me.

You silly mug, your teaching’s crap, he says

You’ve only averaged four

And just three grants and seven pubs

This University, it wants more

And not just any pubs mind you

They’ve got to be top tier

That can’t be hard, now off you go

We’ll check again next year

But, wait a sec, he says to me

There’s one or two things more

Committees and some admin work

You’ve done this stuff before

Oh woe is me, I’ll never cope

I need a longer day

Admin, and teaching, and research

I hope I’ll be well paid

But times is tough and money’s short

That’s what the Dean does say

But if you perform like superman

She won’t reduce your pay.